Long Read - Thoughts

There's an ulcer underneath my lips that just doesn't seem to go away. There's blisters on my left feet which I just got from wearing slippers that I've been wearing for some time now. Both mom and dad are resting. My sister is out for a school activity and my brother is in camp. Yes you heard that right. My brother is now a big boy who has to serve his nation. I can't wait to see him botak! Now he's officially a botak boy!

Nothing to do on a Sunday afternoon (there's plenty to do actually :P) and while folding some laundry plenty of thoughts came to my mind.

I don't think I can list them in order so here goes what's been bothering my mind lately sometimes.

Studies.

I'm on my 3rd year now (yay!) but I feel like I'm slacking day by day. The drive and enthusiasm to learn something new is always there. But I slack when it comes to assignments and exams. Speaking of exams, I have 3 coming up end of this month but I'll be seating for only two. The thing is there's a guide mark for assignments which you have to hit 40 and above before you can take the exams. If it's less than 40, you'll automatically fail the entire module thus no point turning up for exams. Second time it's happening for this particular Financial Management module. Honestly I have no interest in anything finance and maths and my brain automatically switches off when they see these two words. Last semester the lecturer wasn't helping at all. Can't blame the lecturer totally though as I strongly believe there's an assumption that those who took this module must have some finance or banking background. Cut the story short I failed last semester and I retook the module again this semester. Paid for the module again. Yes paid. So don't think that I fail the module because there's nothing I would lose. Money gone, time gone. But at least I think I improve a little this semester compared to last semester. The funny thing is for both assignments that I did this semester the lecturer made the same concern. That I was "very weak" in this module which I am very well aware. I'm at fault too if I'm not doing anything to improve myself for this module. The thing is I tried but I just don't have the interest in finance and figures and money. You get the idea.

Being on my 3rd year, I would be lying if I say the thought of quitting never cross my mind. It did, But each time that happens, I tell myself to just brave it and move forward. Came so far and it'll be a total waste of money, time and effort. Hopefully I will finish in less than 2 years time..

Age.

Reaching 30 surely made me feel old. I always say that age is just a number which I still believe. But it's just human nature that you would think what have you achieved so far in life. Won't compare myself to people around me but surely it made you think that you are different from most people and your journey in life is no parallel to most people. Some casual remarks made by others can sometimes hit you in the heart but you just smile and don't show that it affects you. Am I an alien if I am not in line with what others are doing?

Life.

Same thoughts as age. What have I done so far? Have I achieved what I need to achieve? Am I not ambitious enough?

Something that is so silly but it sure bothers me that shall not be named at this point of time.

I actually had written something on this but at this point of time I will keep it for my own reading. It surely would sound silly to most people but if you care and love something or someone passionately, some things would surely affect you. I shouldn't be writing to much on this. Not yet...

Sunday

The word Sunday always remind me of a friend I know from twitter. Like me, she's a Salman Khan fan and that's how we got connected. I used to call her Cali (California) girl and she calls me Singapore girl. It was okay until something personal happened to her or her life and she decided to quit twitter. We still connected via emails for some time until I stopped receiving her replies and I realised her email account is no longer active. It affected me for a while as she told me whatever happened she would still maintain our communication via email and be like email pal. She knew I listened to Maroon 5 and suggested their song, Sunday Morning. That's how I always associate Sundays with her. It's been a few years now since she suddenly vanished. Wherever you are, I hope you are doing well Arpita. I'm not sure if you would still remember me but I do.

There's another email pal that I got to know because of Salman Khan too who I no longer hear from her. Irene, From a Salman Khan forum which is now no longer available, we became friends and exchanged emails over a couple of years. I still remember her favourite Salman's film is Tum Ko Na Bhool Payenge and the title track is her favourite. Sent her an email or two and din't hear back from her. Probably age and life caught up and she's no longer active on emails I don't know. I remember she told me she was 51 years old when I first talked to her. Hopefully you're doing okay Irene my friend..

People come and go in our life and this is something I am trying hard to learn and remember. Since young, my circle of friends have been very small. I used to be jealous seeing people who has large group of friends who they always hang out with, But slowly I realised quantity doesn't matter, quality does. Grateful of the friends I have in life now both that I meet in real life and those that I know online but didn't get the chance to meet in real life yet.

Life continues..

Long Read - Twenty-Seven

Quiet, reserved and introvert. These are the words people would described her if they do not know her. She does not disagree. She does take her time to warm up to people. But once she is comfortable, she will be quite a chatterbox.

Left school few years back and she has since resume her studies and now she's working on getting her degree program.

At her current age, she saw that most of her peers and relatives of similar age settling down, settled down with children. Sometimes she feels like she's ....

Although there might have been some achievements during her past years, sometimes she felt as if she has not yet achieved anything major in her life yet.

Is it weird that a 27 years old woman still watches Disney shows sitcom and enjoys them, still loves to have cereals with milk, enjoys eating pancakes soaked with maple syrup and has a terribly sweet tooth?

One side of her wants to be all proper and adult yet the other side of her still enjoys being a child, jokes around and be all silly at times.

She still has no asset, not yet financially stable, have not yet settled down unlike her peers of similar age who has settled down, start a family and have children, still struggling, juggling school and work. Did I mention she's back at school again attempting to chase her dreams?

At times she wonder if she is acting her age. Sometimes she realised she acts way beyond her actual age, overly mature for her age and this fact was confirmed by some of her peers.

She live life as it is, setting some goals here and there and tries to achieve her dreams and goals.

Is this how reaching 30 feels like?

Long Read - How I came up with the name "Diwaniladki"

As far as I can recall I have grew up watching Hindi films since I was very young all thanks to my mom. She watches Hindi films since young and has been watching them till I came along, continues watching them and to date she still watches them, though she is more selective nowadays.

Though I started watching Hindi films and was exposed to Bollywood, I did not start off being Salman Khan's fan or anyone for that matter. I watch films that my family watch and learn to recognise the actors and actresses slowly one by one. I came across a diary I wrote when I was very young and on the list of my favourite actors I had list down Shah Rukh Khan, Salman Khan, Aamir Khan, Ajay Devgan, Uday Chopra and Hrithik Roshan. That was how much I was into Bollywood then and I like everyone whose films I had watched. The list has since changed over the years :D

I guess I have to admit it is because of Shah Rukh Khan that I found out about Salman Khan and how everything else started to change.

Watching mostly Shah Rukh's films since young and probably because everyone love him, I wanted a favorite actor who is exclusively mine. I cannot exactly recall how I suddenly found myself attracted to Salman. But I really believe my love for him was not simply because of love at first sight. Rather I believe the love grew little by little as I started reading up on him.

Intrigued and rather annoyed at seeing how Salman was being labelled as Bollywood Bad Boy, I started checking out on him and reading lots and lots of articles that were written about him. While there are plenty of articles labeling him in a negative light, there are equally plenty that shows him in the positive light. It seemed strange to me too that this man this actor who most say negative things about him did not bother clarifying the facts. He just seem not bothered with what is being written about him and he just continues with what he has been doing, acting and all.

Not enough with just reading about him, I wanted to find a Salman Khan related medium where I could find all the latest updates and happening about Salman and then I came across a forum, Sallu.net.

Starting out as a newbie I started exploring the forum and noticed there is one thread where only members
are allowed access and it promised exclusive pictures of Salman. Of course I had to be a part of all that. I had to have a username to log into as the thread is being moderated so that things do not get out of hand etc.

So I thought what better name than Salman Ki Diwani as I am crazy for him. Lucky for me that username was not taken.

I started to post more and replied to some of the comments made by other members in the forum. Soon that forum became my regular and must visit website whenever I have some spare time. It was a great forum and I really enjoyed all the interactions with other Salman Khan fans all over the world but sadly after some time all the people I used to talk to started drifting away and it was no longer as fun as it used to be. I still remember some good friends I made in that forum of which one or two I kept in touch off the forum via email for a couple of years.

Right before the forum lost its magic, Twitter happened and not long after Salman Khan joined Twitter. Though I was reluctant to join Twitter in the beginning, I eventually joined  because of who else, Salman Khan. For a long period I was only following him. Slowly but steadily, I started to follow other accounts and most of them are Bollywood-related accounts.

It was on Twitter that I wanted SalmanKiDiwani as my account name too. Somehow it didn't happen. I chose Diwaniladki instead.

Quick Update - I guess the answer is "No".

The title of this post is the answer to a question I often ask myself. Will I ever stop loving Salman Khan? Will I ever get bored of this man one day and decide enough is enough and remove him from my life? At this point of time, I can confidently say the answer to these questions would be "NO".
Never!

Can you resist this adorable man? I can't.

Similarly, I often wonder if I would get bored of Bollywood and Hindi films one day.. Having a twitter account somehow prevents me from being cut away from all the Bollywood news. Of course there are days I find twitter absolutely dry and boring and will not bother checking for updates up to a few days. But naturally I will check my timeline and be drawn back to Bollywood. Of course having a HUGE crush on Salman Khan does not help. I would always want to know if there is any new tweets from him even setting the notifications on so that I will be notified once he decides to tweet anything new. To date, the notification is set specially for him only.

The latest film I watched, Prem Ratan Dhan Payo and two new songs Deewani Mastani and Gerua somehow restored my faith in Bollywood and Hindi films.

For quite some time now, Bollywood seems similar to Hollywood and the special factor of Hindi films was missing. Watching some new Bollywood films is just like watching some Hollywood films with the addition of songs and dance routine. At least that was how I feel sometime. With the three special mentions in the previous paragraph, I got back what I had been missing from Bollywood.

Not sure why but looking at all of Salman's photos I had saved over the years and listening to Gerua is making me cry.. Not just tears in my eyes but tears rolling down my cheeks kind of crying. Yeh kya hua..?

What is wrong with me!

Long Read - Why do I feel restless?

Typed on 26 Oct 2015 at 10.05pm.

I am supposed to be working on an assignment due this Friday. But here I am about to pour my heart out. Not fully but I do hope to get most of what is bothering my mind and heart out of my system so that I can give my full concentration to my assignment.

Probably was staring into the space when slowly some questions came to bother me questioning what I have been doing in my life and what I intend to do in life.

Anyone has the answers to these questions? Probably no one except Allah for He has written my life story.

Could it be the age that is fast catching up? Naturally one year is added onto my age each year since I was born but it was not until recently that I have been thinking about how old I am getting. Not that I am getting that old but neither am I getting younger each year.

I used to remind myself that age is just a number but is it really just a number?

Soon I will leave my twenties behind and whether I like it or not I have to embrace the next phase of my life. At 30 what have I achieved? Honestly it is my human nature that would answer nothing. But logic would say otherwise. Of course I have achieved certain things in life but it will never be enough. This is the thing that is bothering me. Probably I am too caught up with what one should have when one reaches certain age. In short, materialism. All the Cs that one should have. But really who sets that rule? Society? Should I blindly follow and achieve them even if they are of no importance to me? Surely money, assets, properties, stable job and income are important. But...

I actually do not exactly know what I really want. I can list down all the things I hope to get before I reach 30 or 35 or even 40 but what is the point of all that? Set a goal they said. It will keep you aware of what you need to work for they said. But what if we don't achieve them? Wouldn't that make us demoralized and sad and probably give up totally in whatever we had hope to achieve?

I definitely feel guilty for feeling the way I am feeling. It is as if I am not grateful for all that I have been given so far. I am grateful yes. But sometimes you see a grass on the other side and wonder is it that the grass over there seems greener than the patch you are currently in.

I should probably do this when negative thoughts starts creeping into my system.
Image taken from https://www.colourbox.com

Sesungguhnya hanya Allah yang maha mengetahui apa sebenarnya yang aku mahukan..