Everytime I try to type, my mind seems to have lost all thoughts that have been flooding in. This post is a collection of all random serious thoughts that came to me at random timing.
First, singlehood. This has been bothering me ever since I reached the marriageable age. First of all, I am not anti-marriage or anti-love. In fact, I am such a hopeless romantics. Somehow this isn't a fact known by many. They could have been deceived by my outer appearance. Maybe. Who knows. Anyway, this is about me and not what others think of me. At my current age, I am still single. Very different from most friends or acquaintance or relatives who somehow found love early and already married by now. Some are already a mother/father. Of course I do want to find love, have my own love story and get married. I also know that marriage is not just a 1-day event but a lifetime of being with your partner, working together in life till forever (hopefully). Society has an expectation of when someone should get married, when someone should start a family, when someone should have their 1st child and so on. So when someone does not really follow the societal pattern, naturally people would single this odd group of people out. I think I might be lucky that no one has actually say out into my face about how I seem to be the only one that is over the "marriageable" age who is still single and yet to settle down like the rest. My question is, am I incomplete if I don't get married?
My problem is I don't know where to find love. Being quiet and introvert does not help either. When people ask me when I will be finding love, my reflex question is where do I find love!
At this point of time, I feel like I want to find my special someone, to have someone I can talk to and share opinions, thoughts and exchange ideas. Basically someone I can communicate to. But I dread the dating process. Somehow and sometime when I do serious thinking nowadays, I realised that I am not willing to compromise what I have currently to try to be in a relationship. I have all the luxury of time now, except for work and family. I can watch as many Netflix movies or sitcom as I want now. I did try online dating briefly and I just don't think I am into it. I am not comfortable sharing private information and even my face with a stranger and definitely do not want to try to keep up a conversation. The perfect scenario that I hope will happen is for it to happen naturally.. Like in films or books where somehow 2 persons just happen to be in a place and they kept meeting each other and become friends first and later on develop feelings for one another. I want love but don't want to search for it. I want it to come to me naturally.. Is it too much to ask for?
Secondly, career or job. At this point in life, I realised I know what I actually want. I'm grateful to have a job now with good colleagues. But I don't enjoy what I am doing. Every Monday, I will look forward to Friday for the coming weekend. Everyday I look forward to end the day. How is that healthy?! I know for a fact that I no longer enjoy what I am doing yet I am going with the flow because a) I can't find a job that I really like. Let's get real. Is this even possible? b) I have a job that pays decently and the team is fine. But internally I know I don't enjoy and like it. Hopefully I will find something that I am passionate about that allows me to have a job out of it..
Third serious talk. What do you want in life? While on the way to work one morning, I suddenly thought of a question which I think is very thought-provoking. "What is your ideal life?" Is it to own a car, to have plenty of cash in your wallet and bank and to have a job that you are passionate about?
I guess when you reach a certain age, you start to think seriously in life and for your life.. I honestly hope several years from now when I read this post again, I would have achieved what I wish for. Insya Allah
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