Quick Read - My Constant State of Mind

It somehow struck me when I faintly heard her saying, “It’s not her priority right now”. “Its” referring to me finding my +1 and eventually settling down and naturally having my own child.

I was randomly thinking how I would have a 12 years old child if I had become a mother when I was 22 years old and how I might have a 4/5 years old child if I had become a mother after the age of 27 years old. 

Lately, I’ve also been thinking of how our finance never seems enough. The usual want versus need. Even without spending much on myself and simply taking care of basic things, I need around $2K for this expenses. Was thinking if I would have enough savings by the time I turn 55 years old. Would I have enough to stop worrying about money and work only when I want to and not because I need to?

How long would the fund lasts me? Would I need to scrimp and be frugal all the time or I would be able to enjoy life, eat at cafes, buy this and that without having to mentally calculate how much balance I would have left in the bank?

I marveled at those around my age whom are married and have children. I wonder how they cope financially. But to each their own.

Probably this is my rezeki right now. To spend time for my family and for my own self.

How apt that a random song is playing and the words seems to call out to me:

"These battle scars, don't look like they're fading. Don't look like they're ever going away

They ain't never gonna change. These battle"

Long Read - Wishful Thinking

 A walk in the park.

A walk on the beach.

Sitting at the beach watching the waves and the clouds.

Curling up with a book, seated near the fireplace.

Long drive.

Endless conversations of mindless and meaningful talks.

Museum dates, looking at paintings.

Stargazing.

Visit Korea during autumn and see their beautiful autumn leaves and trees.

Play in the real snow.

- This is a continuous post in progress

 

Quick Read - #salehatweetsaboutfood

In one of my post on all threads I have created, #salehatweetsaboutfood was the first one that I mentioned. 

Repeating what I said there - #salehatweetsaboutfood is one of my proudest thread ever! Started this thread when I wanted to document the different types of food we could get here in Singapore. I feel grateful and blessed that we can have food and cuisine from other countries all in our country though sometimes you need to explore further than your comfort area to reach out to them. More tweets added to this list as we are foodies and there's still plenty of food out there waiting to be eaten and photographed.

At times, I get mad at myself at the trouble of having to take photos of the food before eating them. 

But when I looked back at all the photos recorded in this thread, I feel so GLAD that I took the trouble. In today's world, nothing lasts forever so at least there's photographs for memories in case the restaurants or cafes closed down forever..

The very first tweet - https://twitter.com/diwaniladki/status/817693231152386050 

Somehow the thread for that first tweet was broken and another thread was born - https://twitter.com/diwaniladki/status/1032573983059632129

Probably when I am more motivated, I might just copy some of the tweets from those thread for highlights here.

Long Read - Unfiltered Thoughts

I am honestly and truthfully lazy to do my work nowadays.

I feel like I have lost the drive to excel in my work. It is out of responsibility that I am still doing my work but I really feel extremely lazy to perform any sort of work. Most of the time I wish that I do not have to work. But of course I want the money. As such, I am working because I want to receive the pay at the end of the month to pay for bills and food and necessity. 

I feel like I have been working since forever yet I still have not achieve financial stability. My dream is to have 4 digits in my account at all times and the ability to buy whatever that I need or want without having to check the balance or carry out any calculations. I am working towards this and I can do it Insya Allah.

As I was ironing clothes last night and with the sister passive aggressive showing tantrum, I thought of many things. Mainly the future. Sometimes I imagine what it would be like if I have my own family and how my parents would handle and cope without me being around. The sister and brother do help out here and there but I feel like it is always me who is the main contact person to my parents even when they are both at home. It could be the first child syndrome or it could be I am overthinking but I always feel like my thinking process and planning align with giving the parents priority before I plan for my personal activity. Marriage talks often pop up nowadays but I seriously doubt if I am able to give my time and commitment equally. 

As of now, I am very comfortable with how things are though sometimes I feel that I don't have much time for myself even when I am working from home 3 times a week. Time during the day is given to work and parents when I am home. It is only at night that I set aside some netflix time as I need my alone time to unwind. Right now, my time is all mine. How do I divide my time for more things if I were to have a partner. I don't want to stress myself thinking and trying to give equal attention to everyone and I also don't want to be selfish to my future partner, expecting him to understand how my time works. 

I don't want to be an ungrateful person complaining here and there. Yet, sometimes I just feel like I am carrying most of the weight on my shoulders.

Sometimes I would wonder how someone else who might be in the same situation as me handle their time.. 

Quick Read - Is it regret?

I've been mentally drafting many blogpost in my mind lately but never had the time to really sit down and type them away. 

Even my twitter timeline is missing my random thoughts and feelings. All you see nowadays are reviews about films or shows I have watched or food photos. It is as if I no longer have the capacity or ability to put my feelings out there. Or maybe I just could not care. It is not as if anyone would miss that part of me. 

Anyway, I have been thinking a lot if I regret things. It is not healthy to do so and even frowned upon. But if I am being true, I do not exactly regret as there is not much I can do about it now. Everything had happened in the past. I do not have the superpower to turn back time anyway. Even if I do, maybe it is best not to disrupt the timeline. Do not digress. So I was thinking maybe not regret. It is more towards what would have happened. What would have happened if I had chosen a different path? If I had been more outgoing? If we had respond to an incident differently? Would things turn out better? Or worse?