Long Read - Why do I feel restless?

Typed on 26 Oct 2015 at 10.05pm.

I am supposed to be working on an assignment due this Friday. But here I am about to pour my heart out. Not fully but I do hope to get most of what is bothering my mind and heart out of my system so that I can give my full concentration to my assignment.

Probably was staring into the space when slowly some questions came to bother me questioning what I have been doing in my life and what I intend to do in life.

Anyone has the answers to these questions? Probably no one except Allah for He has written my life story.

Could it be the age that is fast catching up? Naturally one year is added onto my age each year since I was born but it was not until recently that I have been thinking about how old I am getting. Not that I am getting that old but neither am I getting younger each year.

I used to remind myself that age is just a number but is it really just a number?

Soon I will leave my twenties behind and whether I like it or not I have to embrace the next phase of my life. At 30 what have I achieved? Honestly it is my human nature that would answer nothing. But logic would say otherwise. Of course I have achieved certain things in life but it will never be enough. This is the thing that is bothering me. Probably I am too caught up with what one should have when one reaches certain age. In short, materialism. All the Cs that one should have. But really who sets that rule? Society? Should I blindly follow and achieve them even if they are of no importance to me? Surely money, assets, properties, stable job and income are important. But...

I actually do not exactly know what I really want. I can list down all the things I hope to get before I reach 30 or 35 or even 40 but what is the point of all that? Set a goal they said. It will keep you aware of what you need to work for they said. But what if we don't achieve them? Wouldn't that make us demoralized and sad and probably give up totally in whatever we had hope to achieve?

I definitely feel guilty for feeling the way I am feeling. It is as if I am not grateful for all that I have been given so far. I am grateful yes. But sometimes you see a grass on the other side and wonder is it that the grass over there seems greener than the patch you are currently in.

I should probably do this when negative thoughts starts creeping into my system.
Image taken from https://www.colourbox.com

Sesungguhnya hanya Allah yang maha mengetahui apa sebenarnya yang aku mahukan..

Quick Update - Some nights

On some nights when you watch or listen to songs like these:

And you suddenly feel sad and emotional for no particular reason.

And you wonder why?

Have you ever felt this way before?

Quick Update - All the feels

Funny and strange how music and songs can affect your feelings. 

They said you will be affected because you have experienced similar emotion thus you could relate. 

Then there's me who have yet to experience any heartbreak and yet I could relate to some heartbreak songs, get what I mean?

Quick Update - Midnight Reflections

It's past 1am when I typed this post.

I'm listening to 3 Doors Down - Here Without You, Hoobastank - The Reason, Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars and Evanescence - My Immortal. All the songs that will always bring back some memories from secondary school.

But tonight I'm not revisiting my school days which are long gone.

At this moment, I have just checked all the assignments due-date for my current school. Sometimes I can't believe I am actually pursuing my studies in the Uni. It all seems like unreal but thanks to the assignments, grades and exams I'm always brought back to reality land :P

Though I get upset when I get terrible and miserable marks, I always believe that learning is not gauged by the marks and scores. It's about learning new information and understanding new facts that I may have had wrong information before. Yet, I always squeal with delight when I see that I get good high marks for any particular assignments. It's human nature I guess to feel happy when you achieve success and feel sad when you face failure.

My life may not be perfect at this point of time and will never be perfect (because perfect if boring BOO!) but I am grateful for all that I have thus far. Like they always say, count your blessings. What you think is not enough may be more than enough for those who are less fortunate.

- Midnight thoughts & reflections

1.08am
8 Sept 2015

Quick Update - What Ifs

What if she is ready but the time isn't
What if she thinks she is ready but she actually isn't
What if the time had came but she just walk past it
What if she could not handle it
What if she thought she could handle it but fails miserably at it
What if she would be miserable
What if she is more happy now without her knowing about it

What if he is just around the corner
What if they finally meet each other and don't know what to do, what to say
What if they are not destined to meet yet
What if she actually would have her happily ever after
What if things would actually work out for her

What if she kept on waiting all her life
What if the time never comes

What if.

- 5 September 2015