Quick Update - Midnight Reflections

It's past 1am when I typed this post.

I'm listening to 3 Doors Down - Here Without You, Hoobastank - The Reason, Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars and Evanescence - My Immortal. All the songs that will always bring back some memories from secondary school.

But tonight I'm not revisiting my school days which are long gone.

At this moment, I have just checked all the assignments due-date for my current school. Sometimes I can't believe I am actually pursuing my studies in the Uni. It all seems like unreal but thanks to the assignments, grades and exams I'm always brought back to reality land :P

Though I get upset when I get terrible and miserable marks, I always believe that learning is not gauged by the marks and scores. It's about learning new information and understanding new facts that I may have had wrong information before. Yet, I always squeal with delight when I see that I get good high marks for any particular assignments. It's human nature I guess to feel happy when you achieve success and feel sad when you face failure.

My life may not be perfect at this point of time and will never be perfect (because perfect if boring BOO!) but I am grateful for all that I have thus far. Like they always say, count your blessings. What you think is not enough may be more than enough for those who are less fortunate.

- Midnight thoughts & reflections

1.08am
8 Sept 2015

Long Read - The constant battle

At the age I am right now, I feel like I have not achieved much in life. This feeling, though I am not exactly sure how true it is to me, still makes me feel sad and bad.

I don't like to compare myself with other people as I feel to each their own plus everyone has their fate and destiny planned differently. But sometimes, you tend to compare yourself to others unknowingly and then BAM you start listing down what the other person has achieved so far as compared to yourself and you kind of feel that sadness eating at your heart. 

Body-image wise I think I am still okay and though sometimes I feel frustrated for being bigger than most girls, mostly when I am shopping for clothes or shoes, I am grateful that I am still healthy and able to move around. 

It is mostly the financial and social aspect that affect me most of the time. I see people who are younger than me travelling most of the time and it would affect me. Last time I used to get affected and feel bad that I could not afford branded goods even though I have started working but slowly I learn it is not necessary to be flashing well-known logos if in reality you cannot even afford a proper meal! It is the travelling part that got to me usually.

I see most people who are of my age or within my age group who are already married, starting a family and though it does not affect me most of the time, sometimes I do wonder if I ever will be married and have my own family and children one day.. But I am fortunate that I am not pressured as to get married at the soonest possible so this part is still manageable. Still, sometimes when negative thoughts kick in, I do wonder if I lack anything..

Somehow sometimes I would also suddenly feel as if I do not have friends to talk to when I want to have a heartfelt conversation. It is so hard to explain how I am feeling at times. The negative thoughts will suddenly decide to be switched on and it would leave me feeling depressed for the rest of the day. Thank goodness a goodnight sleep usually help rid of them.

Not sure if it is a quarter life crisis or whether the fact that I will be joining club three zero in a few years time that is affecting my feelings and emotions. I always tell myself and others that age is just a number but let's get real, you would feel old at times when you are already of certain age because that is the reality! No matter how hard you try to convince yourself that age is just a number, you will somehow be reminded that age is still a number that is pretty important for some reason. Like the biological clock stuff and all. 

I don't like to indulge in self-pity as it is unhealthy so I try as much as possible not to get affected by the things that I have written above. Also, I feel guilty if I kept saying I have not achieved much as it feels like I am being ungrateful though I am come so far and be where I am right now. 

I think I also have this problem where I think about something and then I am being pulled at different directions when I try to think of solutions for the problem. 

It is so frustrating sometimes to fight this inner battle alone. But you have to because only you can feel how you are feeling and even if you try to share  with someone how you are feeling, I doubt that the other person can feel exactly how you are feeling. So many feelings I am so confused.

It is a constant battle and it will always happen but at the end of the day, I have only myself to fight this battle with. 

*Takes a very deep breath and continue with life*