I am supposed to be working on an assignment due this Friday. But here I am about to pour my heart out. Not fully but I do hope to get most of what is bothering my mind and heart out of my system so that I can give my full concentration to my assignment.
Probably was staring into the space when slowly some questions came to bother me questioning what I have been doing in my life and what I intend to do in life.
Anyone has the answers to these questions? Probably no one except Allah for He has written my life story.
Could it be the age that is fast catching up? Naturally one year is added onto my age each year since I was born but it was not until recently that I have been thinking about how old I am getting. Not that I am getting that old but neither am I getting younger each year.
I used to remind myself that age is just a number but is it really just a number?
Soon I will leave my twenties behind and whether I like it or not I have to embrace the next phase of my life. At 30 what have I achieved? Honestly it is my human nature that would answer nothing. But logic would say otherwise. Of course I have achieved certain things in life but it will never be enough. This is the thing that is bothering me. Probably I am too caught up with what one should have when one reaches certain age. In short, materialism. All the Cs that one should have. But really who sets that rule? Society? Should I blindly follow and achieve them even if they are of no importance to me? Surely money, assets, properties, stable job and income are important. But...
I actually do not exactly know what I really want. I can list down all the things I hope to get before I reach 30 or 35 or even 40 but what is the point of all that? Set a goal they said. It will keep you aware of what you need to work for they said. But what if we don't achieve them? Wouldn't that make us demoralized and sad and probably give up totally in whatever we had hope to achieve?
I definitely feel guilty for feeling the way I am feeling. It is as if I am not grateful for all that I have been given so far. I am grateful yes. But sometimes you see a grass on the other side and wonder is it that the grass over there seems greener than the patch you are currently in.
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| I should probably do this when negative thoughts starts creeping into my system. Image taken from https://www.colourbox.com |
Sesungguhnya hanya Allah yang maha mengetahui apa sebenarnya yang aku mahukan..
